WILD WITHIN: my personal canis lupus

wow... i just wrote a whole long thing and somehow deleted it and i'm not really all that happy about it. lol
i decided to move this journal over to the site for my nonfiction project.. i felt it deserved its own space, away from my fiction and editing.
i'll be adding a lot of news over there, as well as this journal (for those inclined to read it), great links, as well as how to advocate. i want to band together as many people as possible and, through them, help show why lupus needs more funding and research. new drugs are great -- i'm thrilled they're voting on a new drug -- but it's not a cure :(
anyway, head over to my other blog if you want to find out more about what i'm doing with my book and lobbying and volunteering and all that jazz.....

WILD WITHIN: my personal canis lupus

seriously. i have no money to pay my phone bill til tomorrow b/c i've been dealing with this annoying company for like seven months using a phone i hate. well, needless to say, with my clumsiness, i dropped one of the phones that we ended up replacing and the screen shattered. so now we owe $100 for the deductible for that on top of the phone bill. so my phone is turned off til tomorrow! what is that?! i'm sorry but that just makes me feel....idk....not good. i don't want to be that person, but what am i supposed to do when i can't work v.much?! so my guy has to pay the money and then on friday, when i get some sort of paycheck, then i'll pay him back. 
but the problem is that today i was actually super motivated. i was going to make a ton of phone calls and now all i can do is email. bleh.

but i'm getting further along with my book and i'm super excited about it. i wrote a bit about it on my writing blog.

i also had something totally crazy happen last night and my guy CANNOT believe how i reacted to it. or rather, my lack of reaction to it. my fog has been beyond horrible and i'm just in a stupor.
i'm overfed and hormonal and just totally out of it.
i mean, who forgets two things for their child in less than one hour? (did i write about that the other day?) and then what i did, which i can't write just, well, just because....it was so stupid and ditzy and i still don't even really care. and it's kind of a big deal. like really. but whatever. i have other things to worry about, you know. i'm in bed right now, about to leave to take the kid to school. 

yeah, so i'm back. actually cleaned up the garage a little bit and ate something. something real. and i got out the chicken Now so that it's thawed by the time i get ready to make the chop suey or whateveritis i'm making. i already forgot and i just looked at it lol

now i'm chatting with a friend about the craziness that is our lives (she's going through disability stuff, as well, but for different reasons -- yet another invisible illness, though, which is just no fun) and i'm trying to finish this blog, and i'm re-working the query my author friend was awesome enough to rip apart, as well as re-working a certain part of my concept because it just needs to be done (again...info on my writing blog). man, how freaking bad is it that i don't even remember if i've mentioned it here or not?
i've had fog a lot, but it's just RIDICULOUS lately. seriously..
part of me feels like there's not much point in writing b/c i don't even know what i'm saying :P

ok, so i DIDN'T write on here what i'm doing with the book.
i had a conversation with the man last night and he just didn't understand the fogginess/fuzziness and my general 

um...idk what i was saying. b/c i was writing this yesterday and just stopped haha

i'm thinking it was that he doesn't understand my general zombie-like attitude. cause that's pretty much how i am. granted, i'm up on anti-depressants b/c of my HRT, but if i didn't have that higher dose, wow... i'm still sort of on edge.

anyway, i'm ending this now because i have a PLAN for this blog!! a good one. you shall see :))
all my zero readers haha....

soon!!! =D

btw...it was sweet and sour chicken i made haha. and it was good!
so i've had a bad week. just plain gross feeling. lots of pain and even though i'm thrilled about this weight gain, because it's hormonal, it's so odd and i just don't feel like myself. i feel uncomfortable all the time. i feel like i'm 4-5 months pregnant. i had to break down and buy cocoa butter last night because i realized how the weight was going on and how quickly. i'm 105 now...up from 88 almost 5 wks ago. so i'm happy. still want to gain more, but i know i will.

i finished the first part of my disability paperwork and had a phone interview about ssi.
today, i had my state disability interview and i should hear back about that in two months, three at the latest, which i was surprised about.
i was also surprised to hear that, for federal, even though i attempted to work this year (what made me sick), it wasn't substantial enough, so they're going back further from my initial application i never finished getting the info in time for (gotta love the memory and procrastination in my life...), which puts the date back a lot further.
but i know i have a while to hear back on that one.

some good news though -- i'm working more on my book and have changed it back to nonfiction with a twist of narrative nonfiction/memoir throughout, but it's still going to be quite different that what's already out there, so i'm excited to get more work done on it and get the interviews going. 
which is part of the news! i emailed someone who is an amazing lupus advocate and she said she'd be thrilled to be a part of my book, so she's going to let me interview her for a particular part, and i can use excerpts from it.
also, i found another phenomenal interviewee with a great platform who can help draw attention.
to add to that, the main lfa chapter in my state is about ten minutes away and i've spoken with the director a few times already, so i'm going to call her tomorrow and see what she can help me with. if she'd be willing to do an interview, or find someone. maybe set up speaking engagements somewhere where i can get the word out about what i'm planning, as well as simply sharing my story and reaching out to others.
i signed up last night to be an e-advocate, so i need to start making a list of government official i want to email to try to get some support.

i have some big plans, i just need to take baby steps so i don't wear myself out.... i tend to do that and then i'm set back way to far. so i have to keep myself in check. especially with how i've been feeling lately.

i spent the whole day in pain, convinced i could make it through. it was mostly the fibro, except for the joint pain in my hands. finally, i broke down and took some medicine, but only half...just so i can go to sleep and could make it through the rest of the night....do what i need to do.
i took a nap for a bit earlier and the soles of my feet hurt just laying in bed. and the backs of my knees....wow!
it reminded me of how i was before i was on meds, but now i have chronic pain management and still feel like this. not exactly fun.

but all in all, i feel i had a decent day. i have the two interviews, plans to ask for two more tomorrow...maybe even three.
i want to contact christine from bydls, but idk if she'll be able to help -- i'm not sure how she's doing lately or what her commitments are..
i might go out on a limb and ask for a celebrity with lupus...or someone in their family, to help -- even a blurb. i know it's a long shot, but if i don't ask, i'll never know!!!
i did my disability interview and dropped off all the information i need to at this point at the ssa.
all in all, it didn't take very long or much energy (although i did end up needing a nap, so that says something....).
but i feel accomplished, so that's pretty awesome.

now i'm off to write some of my book :)